sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
