The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
sarcasm needs its own font
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
