dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
