I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
