Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish i was in the wii world.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
