i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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