She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
