I want to make a zoo with you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
