Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
