the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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