Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
