Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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