Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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