I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You took a bar mat shot.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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