Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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