Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
