theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
