: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
