life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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