I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
