I want to make a zoo with you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
