I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
