There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
