I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
