Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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