maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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