Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
