so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
