i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She told me I should be a condom model.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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