I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
