Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
