I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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