I wish I could teleport
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
