apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
