We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
