Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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