i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
