Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
