I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
