i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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