matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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