...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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