i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
