my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
