shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Is it because I queefed?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
