So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
