just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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