the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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