We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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