apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
